Let's face it, dogs will eat anything. So why spend your hard earned money on expensive Alpo when Rover is just as happy chowing down on roadkill and its own vomit? That's why the chefs at Jonny® Kitchens have devised this affordable dog food made from ferret entrails, pigeon wings and Armor Hot Dogs; crap that's not fit for human consumption but that any canine will choke down before you'll have time to pass out from its smell. And if the rancid ingredients mean that your dog will have a year or two shaved off its life span, the money you'll save will let you buy a better dog before the kids' tears have dried.
*Causes botchulism, stomach ulcers, and rectal cancer in lab rats. It is therefore highly recommended that you do not feed it to lab rats.
The BroJoe® Pooper Scooper
How many times have you cleaned up your dog's poop and then wished you could deposit it with someone who really deserved it? Now you can, with this sturdy pooper scooper that is decorated with the image of Jonny's brother Joe! Your Doberman's vile digested Milk Bones and table scraps can serve as a statement about how you feel about a fiend who has taken a venerated family name and dragged it through the mud with his boozing and womanizing. Order now and get a bonus roll of BroJoe® toilet paper for just a $19.99 additional fee.
The Jonny® Dog Collar
Any pet owner on a budget is always asking himself the same question: how can I afford the accessories that my dog needs and pay for my S&M vinyl fetish? This studded leather collar provides the best of both worlds, being sturdy enough to restrain the largest Rotweiler or German Shepherd yet fashionable enough for you or your slave to wear to even the most exclusive of dungeons after Rover has gone to bed for the night. And for just $250 more, the matching leash will let you keep track of the dog on your morning walk while teaching The Gimp his place after the sun goes down. With the Jonny® Dog Collar you don't need to be cruel to be kind; you can be cruel and kind all at the same low price!
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Still can't let go six months after Fido bit the dust? With Jonny® Taxidermy, you don't have to! Just bring the carcass to any one of our licensed taxidermy centers and we'll have your treasured pet stuffed with long-lasting Owens Corning® Fiberglass so that he'll continue to be a beloved member of the family long after that drunken teenager who was driving the ice cream truck that flattened him has gone to meet his maker. Prices are based on the cadaver's weight and how much of your pet you want immortalized. Paw key chains start at $59.99.
JONNY® STOCKING STUFFERS
Great Moments in Jonny Pal® History
Hallmark® Keepsake Ornaments
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Make Jonny and his crew part of your holiday tradition! These beautifully hand-crafted Hallmark® Keepsake Ornaments depict Jonny's pals at their most annoying and are sure to be a part of your Yuletide celebration for generations. And when the irritating demands of your friends and family this holiday season get to be too much, you can always look at the tree and remind yourself that at least you don't have it as bad as Jonny!
The Jonny® Sippy Cup
Now lunch time can be fun time as you drink your pineapple juice or straight tequila out of this sturdy stainless steel sippy cup that gives you the experience of putting your lips around Jonny's legendarily misshapen penis! Be the envy of your friends as they all sit around the breakroom table or prison exercise yard and are forced to watch as you whip "Little Jonny" out of your brown paper lunch sack and give yourself a treat that usually only goes to supermodels, Hollywood A-listers and Tijuana prostitutes. Note: Since Jonny's actual penis is constantly being pulled, prodded and bent into continually different shapes, the manufacturers are legally required to advise you that the sippy straw is not a literal recreation of his wang. But that's part of the fun as every time you put it in your mouth, you never know what revolting shape it's taken on. It's just like actually being with the real Jonny!
The Jonny® Corkscrew
How many times have you been driving home from the liquor store with a case of cheap wine in the seat next to you with no corkscrew on hand to get you to that sweet elixer that can kill the pain? The Jonny® corkscrew not only fits easily in your pocket or glove compartment, but it comes with a likeness of Jonny attached so that it can finally feel like you're not drinking alone. And the razor-sharp blade that is affixed to the tool not only makes short work of the label that is so incoveniently wrapped around the cork, but it can serve double duty by helping you to open your wrists after you've finally opened the bottle and drank enough to realize that there's no way out of your desperately pathetic excuse for an existence.
The 2012 Enemies List Calendar
Now you can be as annoyed as Jonny every day of the year! This sturdy 12-month calendar depicts some of Jonny's most irritating enemies at their worst. Experience the unending hell that is Jonny's life without leaving the safety of your home or office. (First 10,000 orders will receive a complimentary bottle of Tums.)
The Jonny® Advent Calendar
Ever wonder what Jonny really does to celebrate the holidays after he's crapped out his idiotic Christmas story? This advent calendar gives you a day-by-day description of what he and his Jonny Pals do with themselves on the days leading up to the Yuletide. Just click on the date every day and a window will pop open telling you what Jonny's up to in his holiday celebration. Or if you want to cheat, you can always click on all the dates in one sitting. It's breaking the rules, but Santa already has his naughty/nice list made up so no one except you and God will notice. Go ahead, we dare you - click on them all right now. You weak, weak person. Note: All of these pages play sound.