Have a Jonny Christmas with
JONNY® COMPUTER PRODUCTS
$5999 PER MONTH
When you talk about your favorite Internet sites to family and friends, you mention eBay, IMDb and Amazon.com. But when you have alone time with just you and your computer, it's all about porn, porn, porn. EroticJonny.com is the only site where you can find video, pictures and sound bytes of Jonny performing the most perverse and disgusting acts imaginable with women, men, animals, and all manner of inflatable love toys. You can find photos of Jonny doing it with a love doll or a German Shepherd all over the Internet, but EroticJonny.com is the only place you'll see him doing it with a love doll and a German Shepherd at the same time! And that's just one of the thousands of revolting and demeaning perversions you'll see Jonny take part in that got him named to the MegansLaw.com Hall of Fame!.
The Jonny® Webcam
Whether you're superstar quarterback Brett Favre or just some anoymous pervert on Web Chat Roulette, one thing is certain: there is nothing that turns on hot chicks more than a closeup of a man's throbbing genitalia filling their computer screen. And the best way to immortalize your engorged glory is with this quality webcam that is guaranteed to capture every pore and blemish on your glorious manhood for all the gorgeous women who are just itching to spend their Saturday nights at their computer monitor hoping for a glimpse of your exposed crotch. Let the patented Internet technology of Jonny® Labs get the mouse out of the house and turn him into a superstar of the silver screen.
The Jonny® E-Mail Address List
Call for price
You know when you fill in your contact information on a web site, and you check that box that says "Do not share, sell or otherwise distribute my contact information"? All that box does is download a virus to your computer that steals all the other e-mail addresses in your address book! And all those e-mail addresses are sent to the Jonny® Communications Department where they are uploaded to a super database and sold to lowly online sleazemeisters who will barrage you with e-mails about everything from selling you penile enlargement treatments to try and getting your financial information so you can receive millions of dollars from a Nigerian diplomat. Now you can join the gravy train by getting access to our massive list, with thousands of lonely losers with disposable income just itching to buy a monthly membership to your foot fetish porn site.
Have the most stylish Christmas ever with
JONNY® FASHION WEAR*
DELUXE DISGUISE KIT
Your friends won't recognize you!
The Festival of Lights, Jonny style!
Show off what God didn't give you!
Be too cool for school!
Teach your stable who's boss
and look good doing it!
For when strict measures are called for!
* These items are not currently available from our web site due to the manufacturer being forced to liberate their factory workers in a plea bargain with the Mexican high court. Look for them to return in 2011.
Stocking stuffers for the fans of
JONNY'S ENEMIES LIST®
The Jonny® Hummingbird Feeder
Anyone who reads Jonny's Enemies List knows of his distain for these nervous, feathered insects that can only be classified as one of God's mistakes. Now you can do something to thin out their ranks with this ornamental feeder that holds five pints of Cholecalciferol Rodenticides, a hard-hitting rat poison that will cause the flying Chihuahaus to go into immediate cardiac arrest while you laugh your head off as you watch them drop from the sky in agonizing pain. The feeder and poison are both supplied free of charge as a public service, so all you'll need is a trash bag to pile the carcasses in to make the world a better place in ridding the planet of these high-strung pests that discriminating, intelligent people recognize as being nothing more than an annoying blot on the universe.
Jonny's Enemies Voodoo Doll
Do you ever get so annoyed by the idiocy that your beloved hero Jonny has to put up with that you wish that you could enact some measure of revenge on his behalf? Now you can, with this quality voodoo doll created by witch doctors from deep in the Louisiana swamps. Just snap on the head that represents the enemy you're being annoyed by – Glenn "Piece of Shit" Simon, Jeff Baughman, Dan E. Campbell, Donna Manus Susskind or the U.S. government – and stick some needles where the sun don't shine! Order now and receive a bonus pin that has been dipped in the blood of a rabid, feral wombat to call on a 3,000 year old curse that is sure to bring a world of hurt to whichever enemy that you love to hate!
The 2011 Enemies List Calendar
Now you can be as annoyed as Jonny every day of the year! This sturdy 12-month calendar depicts some of Jonny's most irritating enemies at their worst. Experience the unending hell that is Jonny's life without leaving the safety of your home or office. (First 10,000 orders will receive a complimentary bottle of Tums.)
Jonny's Erotic Conquests
The question of "who is Jonny sleeping with now?" has been a national obsession for decades, and this tell-all best seller has all the dirt on Jonny's thousands of torrid love affairs with the most famous names from the worlds of show business, politics, and international commerce. They're all here from Madonna to Lassie, each with their own angry story about how their sexual desire for Jonny ultimately gave way to repulsion as they were forced to give in to his countless degrading perversions. But even as they grew to despise him, each of the hundreds of interview subjects agreed that so great is the Jonny allure that they would happily come back for more. This special edition has an additional bonus chapter about Jonny's shocking gang bang with the cast of The Golden Girls.
Ever wanted Jonny Pals of your own? Now you can have them with
JONNY® PAL ACTION PLAYSETS
The Jonny M. Action Playset
The BroJoe Action Playset
The David Eck Action Playset
The Ken Summers Action Playset
The God Action Playset
That's right, ladies! Now, your childhood dream of going on a date with Jonny can come true!
Just submit a 3,000 word essay on why you should be the winner of a dream date with
Jonny M. and send it with a check for $5,000 to:
The Win a Dream Date with Jonny M. Contest
Mad Beast International World Headquarters
P.O. Box 6942
Barstow, CA 92310
All submissions must include a full-body photograph and a recent blood sample.
The winner will be announced on December 31, 2010 and the dream date will
take place on Valentine's Day, February 14th, 2011. Good luck!