Have a Jonny Christmas with

Flat Jonny®


The number one objective of the Social Network is to project the illusion to your followers that your life is better than theirs. Mission accomplished with this lifelike cardboard standee that will make it look like you're a personal friend of Jonny himself! Whether you post pictures of your latest exotic vacation, your perfect weekend at a bed-and-breakfast upstate or in the intimacy of your professionally designed bedroom, your "friends" will all be reaching for the arsenic to do themselves in because not only are you living the dream life that they'll never have, but you'll be doing it with their idol Jonny M.! And who cares if you're actually spending the weekend cleaning out your garage or drinking yourself into a state of sublime non-existence? For a nominal extra fee*, you can rent a glamorous backdrop to take your selfies in front of to give the impression that you're living the Jonny Lifestyle!
* Call for price.

Jonny® Dick Pic Studios


You've been romancing that little hottie you met at your cousin's baby shower with clever responses to her Facebook posts and innocently flirtatious comments on her Instagram pics. Now it's time to seal the deal by private messaging her a photo of your glorious man-meat. Don't make the mistake that most guys do by taking a grainy snapshot of your nether region that's poorly lit with nothing in the forground to indicate scale. Our professional stylists will groom your pubes to maximum effect and our award-winning photographers will perform magic to make your junk look like you're Milton Berle of the 2020's. And with Covid slowing down so much of Hollywood production, don't be surprised if your cameraman is an A-Lister director slumming to make some fast cash. And if it is, who knows how it could turn out for you? We're told that this is how Tom Hanks got his career started.

Jonny® Twitter Followers


There are lots of outfits that will plug some code into your Twitter feed for forty bucks and overnight your followers will rise from the three people from high school who still remember who you are to ten million newly-minted Twitter profiles suddenly following your every word. But with your provocative political posts, you don't just need followers; you need cultists. So the next time one of your blisteringly crafted tweets like "Fuck Tump!" or "Investigate Hunter Biden" gets an insulting response from some jerk thinking that they have the safe buffer of cyberspace between you, your legions won't just soothe your hurt feelings with memes from The Office. They'll track the bastard down and pummel him until he can't type so good no more. We have branch offices all over the world filled with angry sociopaths just itching for a reason to crush someone's skull so it doesn't matter if your tormentor is in Libtard California, Trumpkin Tennessee or even far-off Russia (they're almost always in far-off Russia), we'll locate them through their IP address and have one of your minions on the spot to reply to the insult with a trip to the emergency room.

The Jonny® Smartglasses


When you get together with the other kids, they all understand that there's an unwritten rule that everyone will spend the entire time staring at their phones and ignoring anybody within a fifteen foot radius. But what are you going to do when you're having your obligartory dinner with your rich old uncle when he orders you to "put that damned phone away and talk to me"? Avoid going through withdrawal while making sure you still have a spot in his will by wearing these augmented reality smartglasses which give you complete access to the Internet and all the social networking sites while Uncle Ebenezer just thinks that you're getting a better look at the mole on the back of his neck that seems to be moving. And he'll never suspect that you're actually checking out the latest Tik Tok video while he's retelling the story about the time he was captured by the Japanese in WWII because you'll appear to be looking at him adoriingly through our patented googly eyes that follow his every move. With The Jonny® Smartglasses, your inheritance is secure!

Jonny® Plastic Surgery

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It's your dream to be an Instagram Influencer and cash in big by having horny teenagers ogle over online pix of your perfect body. But it's not enough to spend eight hours a day in the gym to get six-pack abs and buns of steel for the easy money; you've got to have a face and figure so perfect that they bear no relationship to human physiology. That's where the skilled medical professionals at Jonny Plastic Surgery come in, carving out your grotesque imperfections that might keep those sniveling snots from clicking the "Follow" button so that they can worship you online. And sure, you have to travel all the way to the Cayman Islands for treatment, but who knows? You might just be lucky enough to bump into Jonny himself having some adjustments made on his famous man boobs. It will be a wonderful memory for when you're 55 and your face has caved in from too much surgery and you've got a bad back from carrying around two DD-sized bags of saline solution in your chest and you're a confirmed alcoholic because everything your self-worth was based on had inevitably faded with the passage of time and you never felt the need to develop a personality.

Jonny® Social Media Rehab

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Everyone is related to that one asshole who has to have some kind of screen glued to his face that's displaying Instagram or Twitter every second of the day until he's incapable of running his own life. He won't be your problem any more when you stick him in our fully licensed and accredited* luxury Cayman Islands rehab center that will wean your loved one off the Social Network until he's ready to rejoin society. But we pay our staff sub-minmum wage salaries and as a result, we can only get sadistic sociopaths to work for us. That means that the complete dick whose made your life hell for the past five years until you had to go to court and get his power of attorney to stick him here where his addiction will be made worse by brutal orderlies who taunt him with the lamest Social Media that's sure to drive him insane, like their YouTube channel devoted to videos of them talking smack to Bob's Big Boy statues. You'll get a nice chuckle over that twenty years from now on the rare occasions that you think of him rotting there because he still needs your signature for his release.
* Not licensed or accredited.

The 2021 Hack Werker Calendar


Now you can relive your passion for the 2,000+ titles written by legendary novelist Hack Werker every month of the year! We won't take up your valuable time by making you actually read the things; each of his books takes at least 30 minutes to finish and you always have to get through at least one chapter of a thinly-veiled account of Werker's bitter relationship with his overbearing father. Instead, we get to the meat of the story by giving you the cover art of twelve of his most popular titles, which get to the point without having to sit through his badly-written, self-indulgent whining that would have you asleep by page 15 if it wasn't for the graphic depictions of violence and perverse sex that is a hallmark of Werker's work. Supplies are limited so order now!

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The Jonny® Quarantine Playset



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Jonny® Skimmed Milk

$599 PER GAL.

The presidential election and the nightmare of ballot-counting that followed has given you an excruciating bleeding ulcer so anything you put in your belly comfortably in the past now turns it into a raging furnace. Find some solace in this milkfat-free lactose treat fom Jonny Farms® that will soothe your damaged stomach lining that's been ravaged by four solid years of a deranged wannabe dictator. It may be slender solace that you're forced to slobber down this horrendous crap for the rest of your life just to avoid an existence of agonizing pain from now on but anybody who thought the residual pain of the Trump administration was over just because he's no longer in office was just fooling themselves anyway.

Jonny® Pre-Fogged Glasses


There's nothing more annoying than spending all week in your pathetic, lonely apartment and when you finally get to step out into the world to buy groceries or fight off the survivalists who have emerged from their subterranean bunker to start a new world order, your glasses fog up the minute you put your face mask on. Be ready for that inevitability with Jonny® pre-fogged glasses that have the classic look of Jonny's own famous eyewear and whose lenses are already so misty that you won't need to adjust when you slap on your mask to avoid the plague.And the best part is that if you're already living with someone, you won't be able to see how gross they've become during the quarantine from lack of exercise and binging on junk food!

Jonny® Kissing Machine


The thing people miss the most in our Covid-ravaged society is the ability to suck face with a stranger. That's a frustration of the past with this plastic automaton that simulates the thrill of making out with Jonny himself! Choose one of three settings: "Low" is a cold peck that you might get at the end of an evening in which you ordered the lobster dinner with wine and then announced that he couldn't come in because you needed to get up early. "Medium" gets you plenty of jaw and lip action but Jonny's award-winning Lick Muscle remains locked firmly in its inner cage. "High" will get you a tongue punch to the back of your throat so you can't breathe, which (we'll be honest with you) is the only setting that anybody ever uses.

Jonny® Fraudulent Voters

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So you've decided to take the leap and run for office but all the polls say that you have no chance in unseating the incumbent. It's no problem with Jonny® Fraudulent Voters, our network of millions of illegal aliens brought in from Mexico and South America to each cast hundreds of ballots in US elections using data from deceased voters or a lot we simply made up. This service is only available to candidates from the Democratic party using the super-secret voter fraud methods that only Democrats know about. And to make it look more plausible, we have our illegal voters cast their ballots for Republican candidates in other races even though it will undermine your authority when you start your new job because while we're geniuses in throwing elections, we apparently have no concept at all in how to run a government.

The Jonny®Channel

The Covid pandemic has everyone shut in at home and looking for quality entertainment on their television. But "quality" is one thing that you won't find on The Jonny® Channel, a 24/7 stream of nonstop crap that's what you really want to watch anyway.