Have a Jonny Christmas with

The Jonny® Nosepin


A rookie mistake that most first-time time travelers make is not taking into account that people in the past wreak to high heaven. Whether you're having an audience with Queen Elizabeth or taking part in a bear baiting with some local peasants, personal hygiene was nonexistent before around 1920 and your sensitive sniffer won't be able to handle it. Save yourself from suffering through some of the nastiest B.O. that you've ever experienced with this sturdy wooden clip that shuts off offending odors' access to your nasal passages. And even if your time trip is cancelled, the nosepin will come in handy when your disgusting Uncle Joe or your kids' foul friends from junior high school come to visit!

The Jonny® Hand Grenade Belt


Your average time traveler is at a real disadvantage. Go into the past and they'll want to burn you as a witch. The future's Big Brother dictatorship will have you put to death. Even traveling to a relatively civilized time like the mid-1950s will pit you against a psychotic bully who wants to rape your mom. Put the odds in your favor with this belt equipped with 10 M67 grenades that have an injury radius of 15 metres and a fatality radius of 5 metres. Just let some medieval knight try to attack you with his little broadsword and then watch his cohorts scatter in terror as you blow his body in a million pieces. And to the victor goes the spoils when the hottest wench in the kingdom falls for you after you become the king's top advisor because your "magic" is so badass.

The Jonny®Atmosphere Suit


Earth is likely to look like a charcoal briquette when you visit it in the future due to unchecked climate change. But you'll not only be looking sharp and sexy, but you'll be protected from blistering temperatures and deadly elements pouring into our atmosphere after the total depletion of the ozone layer by wearing this stylish space flight-rated suit from Jonny® Aerospace. It provides stable internal pressure, a ten-hour supply of breathable oxygen and elimination of carbon dioxide, temperature regulation, shielding against ultraviolet radiation and limited shielding against particle radiation. And you're going to need all that stuff if you travel to earth in as little as six months in the future, because we're in real trouble.

The Jonny® Outcome Generator

$5 million99

So it's your plan go back in time and save humanity from itself by killing Hitler or stopping the Kennedy assassination. It's great for mankind as a whole but you can never be sure what's it going to do for you, personally. This high tech computer, developed for Jonny® Industries by the Stark Corporation, will time travel with you and alert you about how whatever you do will affect ol' Numero Uno before you can so much as step on a cricket that results in you being a homeless paraplegic in good ol' 2019. After all, what's the point of righting a colossal wrong that nearly toppled the human race if it doesn't line your pockets? This thing is guaranteed* to pay for itself after your first five trips through time!
* Not a guarantee

Jonny® Future Clothes

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When you show up a million years in the future, the last thing you want is to lose cred with your new space-age pals by looking like an idiot wearing Ug boots, "Juicy" sweat pants and a MAGA tee shirt. We've done extensive research watching sci-fi movies and TV shows from the 1960s and 70s, and we've determined that future fashions will fall into three distinct categories: Starfleet miniskirt uniforms, unisex metallic jumpsuits and crudely-made loincloths from when humankind is enslaved by alien overlords or an animal species that has skipped past us in the evolution chain. Just tell our designers what year you're traveling to and they'll put together an ensemble that will make you fit right in!

Jonny® Primate Translator Course

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The overwhelming majority of time travelers visit our era to drag an endangered species that we're in the process of killing off back to their time to avert some disaster that only that particular beast can fix. The problem is that the future people don't know how to talk to these things because they've been killed off for centuries. You can earn huge bucks by taking our one-of a kind class where we lock you into a room with an endangered primate like an orangatan or Sumatran Tiger while one of our trained experts browbeats you into figuring out what it's saying. The class only has a 10% survival rate but just think: if you live through it and get your certificate of completion, you'll be making bank when the time travelers come for your critter and only you can get it to say what it needs to to save earth!

The 2019 Hack Werker Calendar


Now you can relive your passion for the 2,000+ titles written by legendary novelist Hack Werker every month of the year! We won't take up your valuable time by making you actually read the things; each of his books takes at least 30 minutes to finish and you always have to get through at least one chapter of a thinly-veiled account of Werker's bitter relationship with his overbearing father. Instead, we get to the meat of the story by giving you the cover art of twelve of his most popular titles, which get to the point without having to sit through his badly-written, self-indulgent whining that would have you asleep by page 15 if it wasn't for the graphic depictions of violence and perverse sex that is a hallmark of Werker's work. Supplies are limited so order now!

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The Jonny® Time Travel Playset



Click on the image to see a larger version



Jonny® Lump of Coal


Everone has that one guy on their Christmas shopping list who's a total asshole. This year, let him know how you feel about him with this quality piece of anthracite individually chiseled from the Jonny® coal mines in Indonesia. Imagine the look on that dick's face when he rushes into the living room on Christmas morning still in his pajamas and finds nothing but a chunk of black soot in his stocking. And for a nominal* extra fee, we'll include a post-it with a note telling him exactly what you think of him. It will make it worth the twenty-five years you put up with the schnook thinking you were one of his closest friends and one of the only people he could confide in!
* The extra fee is actually far from nominal

The Jonny® Diguise Kit


It's last call and the bar is still crawling with gorgeous women. But there's not enough alcohol in the universe to make them want to touch you with a ten foot pole, so what do you do? You sneak into the bathroom and put on your Jonny disguise! There's always one hot barfly who's hammered enough to believe that you're actually Jonny M., who happened to drop into a sleazy dive bar in rural Kentucky or the slums of Trenton, New Jersey for a late night glass of milk. When she looks through her beer goggles and sees your faint resemblance to her hero staring back at her, you'll be back at her place making the beast with two backs faster than you can say "False impersonation is a crime punishable by a fine not exceeding ten thousand dollars or by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding one year, or both." Sure, you'll have to beat it out of there before she's sober enough to see you for what you are but you'll leave her with a beautiful memory of a night of passion with her favorite fantasy lover!

2020 Jonny® Inflatable Love Doll


A recent survey of high school-age girls revealed that their number one goal is spitting on Trump as he is dragged to prison. Number two is making love to Jonny! This anatomically correct polyurethane doll is not only crafted in his spitting image, but it allows you to exactly replicate the Jonny sexual experience. You inflate it using the Jonny® air pump and then you crawl on top of it while it lays there and makes you do all the work. And for hardcore Jonny enthusiasts, there's the Deluxe version* that is peppered with tiny pinholes so that it can only inflate partially while an internal voicebox cries and sputters pathetic apologies. It's just like spending a night with Jonny!!!
* Call for price

The Jonny® Publicity Team

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Every week it's the same thing: you go to the grocery store to pick up a few cans of corn beef hash and bottles of plain-wrap vodka and when you're at the check-out stand, you see Jonny's smiling face staring at you from at least a dozen magazine covers. How does he do it? Through the greatest team of crack publicists ever assembled. Now that level of media attention can be yours by paying the equivalent of the gross national product of a mid-sized European nation to our Cayman Islands LLC. Worried that you're not a celebrity? No problem! With our contacts, you'll be famous for being famous in weeks! It may require some sacrifice on your part because most of our clients are so boring that the articles we pich about them are complete fiction, and we get pretty lurid and degrading to get sleazebuckets in the magazine world interested in you. But to an attention whore like you, any publicity is good publicity. Operators are standing by!!!

The Jonny® Time Travel Game


It worked out great when Jonny went back in time to visit Jonny, the King and the Gaseous Dragon. But what happens when he tries to get to the other Jonny adventures? Jonny isn't the sharpest tool in the shed and playing with quantam physics can be dicey at best, so sometimes the magic works better than others. Will he be able to help young Jonny make the story even better? Or will he screw up and wind up in a time and place he never bargained on? Click on the Jonny story cover images below to find out how Jonny does!



The Year Jonny Saved Christmas

Jonny and the Christmas Pirates

Jonny, The Vampire and the Christmas Shepherds

A Jonny Carol

Jonny's Prison Christmas

Jonny's Outer Space Christmas

Jonny's South Sea Christmas

Jonny's Wild West Christmas

Jonny's Bethlehem Christmas

Jonny's Election Christmas

Jonny's Terrorist Christmas

Jonny's Superhero Christmas

Jonny's Gubernatorial Christmas

Jonny's Weapons of Mass Destruction Christmas

Jonny's New Orleans Christmas

Jonny's Papal Christmas

Jonny's Unemployed Christmas

Jonny's Easter Christmas

Jonny's Broadway Christmas

Jonny's I.T. Christmas

Jonny's Animal Shelter Christmas

Jonny's Same-Sex Marriage Christmas

Jonny's Star Trek Christmas

Jonny's Hollywood Christmas

Jonny's 99-Seat Theatre Christmas

Jonny's Feminist Christmas

Jonny's Pulp Fiction Christmas

Jonny's Afterlife Christmas

Click here to get your score.

In years past, I have lobbied for birthday goodies like gifts of alcohol or perhaps a contribution to a pug-related charity. This year, all that I ask is that you do something nice for yourself on December 15th. What it is is up to you. But whatever it is, I hope that you take a second to think "it would make Jonny happy to know I'm doing this right now." Because it would. And that's the best present I could ask for.