Have a Jonny Christmas with

Hack Werker Audio Books


You've got a 500 mile drive ahead of you with only your dark thoughts for company. Why not pop one of the 2,000 novels written by Hack Werker into your CD player and let your head be transported to a place that's more perverse than any you would have previously imagined? Narrated in the creepy baritone of accordion superstar Thomas W. Ashworth, you won't need to worry about nodding off after twelve straight hours behind the wheel because these disturbing stories will have you too terrified to blink knowing that you inhabit the same universe that Werker does.

Jonny® Falsies


The women on the covers of all pulp fiction covers have one thing in common: a silhouette that has nothing to do with human physiology. Now, that femme fatale about to blow off an unsuspecting dupe's head or that damsel in distress on the verge of being dropped into a pit of famished crocodiles can be you! To achieve a figure that lets you fit into this shadowy world without expensive and invasive cosmetic surgery, simply insert these cone-shaped DD pads into your bra and then watch all the fellas swoon. Two-bit detectives and shady soldiers of fortune will be lining up yo save you from the most despicable forces imaginable who want to inflict torture on you and your other-worldy rack. And if you live in Puerto Rico, these faux boobs can be used as a flotation device as you wade through flooded streets waiting for government assistance that never comes.

The Jonny® Sexy Nightgown


You need to seduce some poor sap into anything from murdering your ice-cold husband for his insurance money to providing government secrets to your conclave of Communist spies. Just give him a glimpse of you in this sheer nightgown with an erotic neckline and eye-catching split and he'll do anything you ask, even if it might mean five to ten years in Sing Sing. Personally tested by Jonny's vast stable of celebrity paramours when they wanted him to take out the garbage or wear a condom, this luxurious lingerie proves 98% effective in getting what you want (Jonny would lie sometimes about the condom). Order now and get a 50% discount on Jonny® Falsies (above) to give you a figure that will compel him to commit the most heinous crimes imaginable. It will be a Christmas to remember!

The Jonny® Trench Coat


When a mysterious woman in red shows up at your detective agency telling you a shady story about a husband that the little man in your gut tells you doesn't really exist, you can forget about joining her in any of the perversions described in a typical Hack Werker novel when she sees you slip on a hoody sweatshirt to protect you from the midnight fog. This double breasted trench coat changes that by sending the message that you're as likely to slap a dame as kiss her and that you're packing a gat for any Peter Lorre wannabe who asks too many questions. Then, when a Neanderthal-looking thug with a loaded revolver and an angry disposition appears around the corner to keep her quiet about the Fat Man's crooked scheme, it will be your pudgy ass she'll be using as a human shield. It won't be long before she gives you the clap which slowly eats away at your brain. Score!

Jonny® Weed


Anyone who has ever tried to get through a novel by Hack Werker will agree that they are unreadable...unless you're baked out of your mind! A quick call to our local dispensary will provide you with enough quality ghanja to convince you that Werker's incomprehensible scribblings have the depth of James Joyce. Grown in Jonny's plantations in Mexico and shipped by donkey over the unenclosed US border, you'd better order all you can now before Trump's border wall goes up and we can't get any into the country (just kidding; we have it brought in via UPS). We have several strains to choose from: "Winston Wowee" is the most potent, and will make the characters in Werker's books come alive from off the pages and have passionate sex with you (and in rare instances, convince you that you need to murder your next-door neighbor). "Boob Cup Bonanza" is an incredibly giddy high that will have you giggling like a schoolgirl at what you're reading, even if you've just been staring at the copyright notice for three hours. "Jonny Mellow" will have you sound asleep by page 10, which isn't bad considering most people fall asleep reading a Werker book on about page 20.

Writing Master Class with Hack Werker


Fulfill your dream of being a professional novelist with in-person master classes from the one and only Hack Werker! The legendary pulp fiction writer will give you an in-depth overview of his process in four two-hour sessions which he primarilyspends rambling about his disturbing childhood and his abusive relationships with his four ex-wives. You'll receive unique tips like how to work on seven novels simultaneously fueled only by alcohol and amphetamines, why punctuation is a real writer's enemy, and how to get revenge on anyone who's ever wronged you by making them a character in your books. There are no refunds for any classes Mr. Werker misses because he's spending the night in county jail, but this one-of-a-kind opportunity is worth the risk!

The 2018 Hack Werker Calendar


Now you can relive your passion for the 2,000+ titles written by legendary novelist Hack Werker every month of the year! We won't take up your valuable time by making you actually read the things; each of his books takes at least 30 minutes to finish and you always have to get through at least one chapter of a thinly-veiled account of Werker's bitter relationship with his overbearing father. Instead, we get to the meat of the story by giving you the cover art of twelve of his most popular titles, which get to the point without having to sit through his badly-written, self-indulgent whining that would have you asleep by page 15 if it wasn't for the graphic depictions of violence and perverse sex that is a hallmark of Werker's work. Supplies are limited so order now!

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The Junior Ranger® Playset



Click on the image to see a larger version



Jonny® Ultimate Gift for Her


It's Christmas morning and she's already up and in her bathrobe to see if the Burke Williams gift certificate or Jimmy Choo handbag she's been dropping hints for is waiting under the tree. Instead, you appear from the hallway wearing our highest quality thong underwear with a hole perfectly sized to allow your wang to poke through to a premium gift box, just waiting to be gleefully unwrapped by your special gal. She'll instantly forget about the thousand dollars she dropped on a set of golf clubs for you when she sees your engorged wiener wrapped and ready for her to celebrate the birth of Christ with, even if she did reject your awkward advances the night before and hasn't so much as touched you in the last six weeks. The good news is that when she kicks you in the nuts for thinking this idiotic stunt was a good idea, the rig will protect your Johnson from getting too damaged from the impact. Not that it's going to do you any good anyway, because you'll be sleeping on the couch for the next ten weeks, moron.

Jonny® Voodoo Dolls


It's well known that Jonny spent years in a forgotten part of the Bayou learning the black arts, and now you can make that evil magic pay off for you! Just send us photographs of an enemy of your choice along with one one personal item belonging to same, and we'll craft an enchanted effigy in their likeness that will enable you to make their life a nightmarish hell. Stick pins in the doll's arms, legs, genitalia, eyes, or anus to give your foe the pain they deserve because of their heinous behavior. And if you're such a vile human being that you think that you might be the potential object of a voodoo spell, we also offer a powerful antidote that will ward off the evil spirits that are hellbent on destroying you. Just call us with a valid credit card number and the address of which of your golf clubs you're spending the weekend at and we'll take care of the rest!

"The Simons"® Cake Topper


If you're getting married within the next six months, you've already accepted that your nuptials will take a back seat to Jonny Pal Glenn "Piece of Shit" Simon's most recent marriage to his implausibly hot girlfriend this December. We say if you can't beat `em, join `em! This life-like cake topper depicts the newlywed Simons fresh from their Wedding of the Century and just itching to get back to their suite at the Mount Rainier Motel 6 for a weekend of serious nookie, with Simon's beloved Boob Cup ready for an inevitable three-way! The guests at your comparatively pathetic wedding will overlook the Entenmann's wedding cake and ceremony performed by a homeless guy you dragged from an alley after the defrocked minister you hired failed to show up when they're dazzled by your apparent association with the most glamorous couple of their generation.

Stuffed Winston® Doll


Teach your little angels about some of the harsh realities of life with this oversized plush Winston doll that drops dead right in front of them, just like the real Winston did! Your boy or girl's lifetime of tears can start early when they poke and prod their beloved new toy to try and revive it, only to come to the soul-crushing realization that it's never coming back, no matter how many pipe dreams of "Doggy Heaven" that they try to talk themselves into believing. This is the perfect plaything to hand off to them just before you give them the speech about how even though Mommy and Daddy will always love them, Daddy is going to be living with his whore secretary in a trailer park on the outskirts of town from now on and is likely to eventually lose interest in them after he starts his second family that he loves a lot more. Don't let your kids wait until they're 45 like you did to discover that happiness is only reserved for the young, thin and sexy, and that all they have to look forward to is disappointment and misery. You'll be doing them a huge favor.

Winston's Ashes


You were one of the countless millions who were devastated at the death of our cherished Winston on October 17th. Now, while supplies last, you can have a tiny part of him! Due to unprecedented demand, we are selling small sections of Winston's ashes to call your own. Don't be fooled by photo of the urn in Jonny's office that was on the cover of Time Magazine; Winston was a big fat load of a dog and there are plenty of ashes to go around. Each sample comes in a beautiful designer urn that you may decorate your home with as a permanent reminder of the world's most beloved pug. We warn you though, don't be surprised if you find a lot of cigarette butts in your urn as Winston was a heavy smoker and he loved to eat the filters as a post-smoke snack. That New York Times article that said we just stuck empty urns in our break room as ashtrays was totally fake news.

Jonny® Séance


Do you have a dearly departed who you just have to get in contact with? Our licensed mediums can show you the way, with this fully accredited spirit raising that is guaranteed* to have you in touch with your loved one in just nine easy payments. Whether you need to find out where Uncle Thurston hid his will or hear Mom tell you one more time that having kids was the biggest mistake she ever made, we'll make sure that whatever inheritance you wound up with falls into the right hands...ours. There's a waitlist if you want Winston to appear at your séance because we have a huge backlog of requests and only three Winston puppets to appear as his ghost, so order now!

*Results not guaranteed

2017 Jonny® Pals Advent Calendar


Way back in 2011, we presented an advent calendar which showed what Jonny did during the holiday season. We only sold about three of those, but everyone was dying to know what his buddies were up to during the Yuletide. Now you can know! Just click on any date and you can be a fly on the wall to find out what a random Jonny Pal is doing on the days leading up to Christmas.
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