Have a Jonny Christmas with
JONNY® PULP FICTION PRODUCTS |
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Jonny® Weed |
PRICE VARIES BY STATE |
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Anyone who has ever tried to get through a novel by Hack Werker will agree that they are unreadable...unless you're baked out of your mind! A quick call to our local dispensary will provide you with enough quality ghanja to convince you that Werker's incomprehensible scribblings have the depth of James Joyce. Grown in Jonny's plantations in Mexico and shipped by donkey over the unenclosed US border, you'd better order all you can now before Trump's border wall goes up and we can't get any into the country (just kidding; we have it brought in via UPS). We have several strains to choose from: "Winston Wowee" is the most potent, and will make the characters in Werker's books come alive from off the pages and have passionate sex with you (and in rare instances, convince you that you need to murder your next-door neighbor). "Boob Cup Bonanza" is an incredibly giddy high that will have you giggling like a schoolgirl at what you're reading, even if you've just been staring at the copyright notice for three hours. "Jonny Mellow" will have you sound asleep by page 10, which isn't bad considering most people fall asleep reading a Werker book on about page 20. |
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The 2018 Hack Werker Calendar |
$5999 |
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Now you can relive your passion for the 2,000+ titles written by legendary novelist Hack Werker every month of the year! We won't take up your valuable time by making you actually read the things; each of his books takes at least 30 minutes to finish and you always have to get through at least one chapter of a thinly-veiled account of Werker's bitter relationship with his overbearing father. Instead, we get to the meat of the story by giving you the cover art of twelve of his most popular titles, which get to the point without having to sit through his badly-written, self-indulgent whining that would have you asleep by page 15 if it wasn't for the graphic depictions of violence and perverse sex that is a hallmark of Werker's work. Supplies are limited so order now!
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The Junior Ranger® Playset |
$29999 |
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Click on the image to see a larger version
JONNY® STOCKING STUFFERS
Jonny® Séance |
CALL FOR PRICE |
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Do you have a dearly departed who you just have to get in contact with? Our licensed mediums can show you the way, with this fully accredited spirit raising that is guaranteed* to have you in touch with your loved one in just nine easy payments. Whether you need to find out where Uncle Thurston hid his will or hear Mom tell you one more time that having kids was the biggest mistake she ever made, we'll make sure that whatever inheritance you wound up with falls into the right hands...ours. There's a waitlist if you want Winston to appear at your séance because we have a huge backlog of requests and only three Winston puppets to appear as his ghost, so order now!
*Results not guaranteed |
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2017 Jonny® Pals Advent Calendar
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$2999* |
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Way back in 2011, we presented an advent calendar which showed what Jonny did during the holiday season. We only sold about three of those, but everyone was dying to know what his buddies were up to during the Yuletide. Now you can know! Just click on any date and you can be a fly on the wall to find out what a random Jonny Pal is doing on the days leading up to Christmas. Note: All of these pages play sound. Oh, and you've gotta allow popups in your browser for this thing to work. |
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