Have a Jonny Christmas with

Jonny® Tampons*


Time was, you'd have to suffer through "Aunt Flo's" monthly visits all by yourself. Now, you have a devoted ally to get you through the discomfort: Jonny! This super-absorbant tampon is coated with the same hallucinogenic Jonny used to take to get through a Thanksgiving with his appalling family, so you'll have a powerful intoxicant coursing through your system to dull the pain of God sending angry demons into your brain as you deal with your cooch betraying you every 24-35 days. And when you're inserting the tampon into your va-jay-jay, you'll be reassured by Jonny's compassionate mug leading the way. Let the other gals wipe out while they're surfing the crimson wave; with Jonny in your corner, you'll be hanging ten all the way to the dry and sandy shores!
*May cause genital warts.

Jonny® Mace


In a world where rape prevention training means instructing women how to kick an assailant in the nuts rather than teaching Neanderthal males that they shouldn't commit rape in the first place, you can't be over-prepared when you take your life in your hands by going out on an evening stroll or walking to the corner delicatessen unescorted. Show would-be sexual predators that "no means no" with this painful pepper spray that can blind a bull rhinoceros from 15 feet away. Personally tested on Jonny by his innumerable incensed first dates* with flawless results; leaving his face on fire and his eyes useless. Until society pulls its head out of its ass and focuses on the criminals rather than the victims, it's the best defense you'll have!
*Testing on second dates is inconclusive because they are so rare.

The Jonny® Ball Gag*


Every woman knows that she can never get a word in edgewise with some know-it-all man monopolizing the conversation and not letting her complete a goddamned sentence. This quality ball gag from Jonny® Sex Toys finally evens the playing field. You'll be able to articulate your thoughts about politics, the arts, sports or any other subject under the sun while the dude you're interacting with will have to sit there silently without constantly interrupting you. That doesn't mean he'll actually listen to what you're saying but with a man, you can't have everything.
*Jonny® latex straight jacket sold separately.

The Jonny® Boob Mask


Are you fed up with men not being able to look you in the eye when you're talking to them because they're too busy trying to sneak surreptitious glances at your rack? This quality Polyurethane mask puts an end to horny troglodytes sneaking peeks down your shirt forever! Modeled from a cast of Mexican-American superstar Salma Hayek's mammary glands, he's guaranteed to keep his eyes "up here" while you're trying to have an adult conversation because his sex-addled brain will have all the boobular stimulation it needs to be able to focus on anything for more than fifteen seconds. And for ass-men, try the Jonny® Butt Mask that puts your caboose at the front of the train. He'll still be ignoring every goddamned word you're saying, but at least he'll be looking you in the eye while he's doing it!

Jonny® Trophy Husbands


You've worked hard and achieved success; why shouldn't you be able to mimic your male colleagues and "trade up" by marrying a smokin' hot 18 year-old? Our database of eligible teens looking for a sugar momma has all the attributes you want in a much younger mate: a bad complexion, a skeletal physique and a totally self-absorbed world view. And maybe talking to him for five minutes will drive you insane, but it will all be worth it when you prove to the the world that you've "still got it" by driving around in your Porsche Cayman GT4 with that fine young piece of ass in the passenger seat. These things have a 90% return rate among women but the upside is that after you've been with these stupid kids for a weekend, the rich old geezers you see with girls young enough to be their daughters will look like even bigger assholes than they already do.

Jonny® Late-Term Abortion Clinic


With your busy schedule, you don't have the time to get an abortion until the ninth month of your pregnancy. Any Republican politician will tell you that 90% of terminated births take place at the end of the third trimester when the baby is starting to crown; so where can you go to get that unwanted brat ripped out of you when you only have food stamps to pay for the process? At Jonny® Late-Term Abortion Clinic, we cater to the millions of low-income women who realized at the last minute that the extra holiday weight they've put on was actually the result of a one-night stand with some illegal immigrant they met at the strip club they work at and has now skipped town. Our friendly staff use the finest in wire hangers from a nearby Motel 6 to rip that fully-formed infant out of your lady bits before it can be an inconvenience to your lifestyle of unprotected casual sex and meth use. Sure this isn't anything like how abortion clinics actually work but the pro-life nuts don't have the patience to read anything to the end so we'll reinforce the bullshit that they tell their cult followers to give them some place to fire bomb when you're at Planned Parenthood while you still can.


Jonny® Fruitcake


Everybody has someone on their Christmas gift list that they can't stand. How do you fulfill your holiday obligation while including a passive-aggressive message telling them to fuck off? This sticky, rubbery loaf of gelatanized fruit and gag-inducing dough is made from produce harvested at a North Korean plantation that was classified as "food" only after we greased some palms at the F.D.A. Baked fresh by our pastry chef who died in 1987, these nasty-ass slabs have been sitting in the freezer at Jonny Kitchens® for three decades waiting you to to send the message "I'm thinking of you during the Yuletide and those thoughts are far from good." Order now and we'll include a Jonny F.U. stick to stab in the middle of your offering to make sure the meaning of your gift is crystal-clear.

Jonny's Used Underpants


How many of you pervs out there have dreamed of burying your face in one of Jonny's soiled licorice thongs or gold lammé banana hammocks? Now you can! We'll overnight express Jonny's urine-stained underpants to you as soon as he's done with them, complete with certificate of authenticity. From the moment it arrives, your imagination can run wild with thoughts of that revolting strip of fabric encasing Jonny's disgustingly misshapen genitalia only a few hours before. What you do with it after that is between you and whatever forgotten fertility god you pray to. All sales are final though so if you see some pain in the ass 60 Minutes piece about how the things are actually worn by inmates at the Jonny Prison for Profit® facility in Barstow, that's your problem and not ours.

Winston® Manure


When you see the fabulous grounds of Casa de Jonny in Architectural Digest or on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, do you ever wonder how they manage to keep the rolling lawns so lush and green? One simple word: Winston! Jonny's beloved pug is pooping on the grass throughout the day, providing it life-sustaining nutrients to Jonny's rich carpet of Kentucky Bluegrass. Now you can enjoy the same lush lawn with Winston® Manure, with each bag containing mammoth heaps of the word-famous pug's endless supply of poop. Use it on your back yard, your front yard, your side yard, your putting green...hell, scatter it anywhere you want to because we've got so much of the stuff that it's overloading our warehouse. We don't know what that dog eats, but he's already crapped out enough fecal matter that we can supply you for generations!

Jonny's® Mystery Date Game


Your little girl needs to learn that she's going to have to go out on a lot of hellish first dates if she's ever going to end up with Prince Charming. Who better to teach that painful lession than Jonny? Your beloved angel will experience the terrifying anguish of spending her Saturday night fending off Jonny's crude sexual advances as she is forced to pay for her own dinner, sit through Jonny's inane, self-absorbed chatter and ultimately take an Uber home because she just can't take being around him anymore. The winner stands Jonny up so that he is forced to spend the evening alone masturbating while Winston sleeps on the couch nearby in the middle of the splash zone. The loser has to endure a nightmarish one-night stand that she'll be talking about to a therapist for decades to come and then parade around the room carrying painful genital crabs as a reminder that most men are demon spawn from hell who exist to use them up and them leave them as bitter shells who regret having ever been born into this world at all. Ages 6-10.

The Jonny® Advice Simulator


Your life's a mess and you need someone to give you the answers. In a word, Jonny! But since you're not a world-renowned porn star or on the Forbes Magazine list of the richest people alive, that's never going to happen...until now! We recorded Jonny giving actual guidance to his jet-setting friends and created a robot programmed to regurgitate it to you in exactly the right situation. The Jonny® Advice Simulator will counsel you on your love life, your career, your financial woes, and any other issue that you're too spineless to come up with the answers for on your own, all in Jonny's exact words. Our programming is so accurate that we've determined the beta users who took the advice of the Jonny® Advice Simulator have the same suicide rate as the people who actually listened to Jonny. So buy the Jonny® Advice Simulator today and all your problems will be over before you know it!

The Jonny® Toilet


Going "Number 2" can be a lonely business. Just think how much easier it would be with Jonny's compassionate arms around you to reassure you through the difficult process. Whether you're on a diet of leafy greens or raw red meat, you can have a caring friend in the passenger seat while you're dropping the kids off at the pool. Just lower your pants, take a seat, and wrap the soothing plexiglass Jonny® arms around your quivering shoulders. You'll be able to suffer through any bathroom trauma no matter what was in that blue plate dinner casserole you wolfed down before really thinking about it. Order now and receive two dozen rolls of Jonny® Toilet Paper* to finish up the job. When it's time to wipe, just bunch that coarse tissue in Jonny's faux fist and he'll get you cleaned up and on your way without casting any judgment.
*May cause rectal bleeding.

The 2017 Hack Werker Calendar


Now you can relive your passion for the 2,000+ titles written by legendary novelist Hack Werker every month of the year! We won't take up your valuable time by making you actually read the things; each of his books takes at least 30 minutes to finish and you always have to get through at least one chapter of a thinly-veiled account of Werker's bitter relationship with his overbearing father. Instead, we get to the meat of the story by giving you the cover art of twelve of his most popular titles, which get to the point without having to sit through his badly-written, self-indulgent whining that would have you asleep by page 15 if it wasn't for the graphic depictions of violence and perverse sex that is a hallmark of Werker's work. Supplies are limited so order now!

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The Jonny® Heart Attack Playset



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The Jonny® Perfect Christmas Gift Genie


Are you racking your brain trying to find the perfect Christmas gift for that special someone who's impossible to shop for? Let the Jonny® Perfect Christmas Gift Genie figure it out for you! Our perfectly-designed algorithms will figure out the ideal present for the person in your life who's got everything. The Jonny® Perfect Christmas Genie takes the stress out of the holidays so you can focus on the important stuff like getting hammered on eggnog and making out under the mistletoe!