Have a Jonny Christmas with
JONNY® PRODUCTS FOR WOMEN |
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Jonny® Trophy Husbands |
PRICE IS DETERMINED BY DIVIDING YOUR AGE BY THE VALUE OF YOUR STOCK PORTFOLIO |
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You've worked hard and achieved success; why shouldn't you be able to mimic your male colleagues and "trade up" by marrying a smokin' hot 18 year-old? Our database of eligible teens looking for a sugar momma has all the attributes you want in a much younger mate: a bad complexion, a skeletal physique and a totally self-absorbed world view. And maybe talking to him for five minutes will drive you insane, but it will all be worth it when you prove to the the world that you've "still got it" by driving around in your Porsche Cayman GT4 with that fine young piece of ass in the passenger seat. These things have a 90% return rate among women but the upside is that after you've been with these stupid kids for a weekend, the rich old geezers you see with girls young enough to be their daughters will look like even bigger assholes than they already do. |
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JONNY® STOCKING STUFFERS
The Jonny® Toilet
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$5,99999 |
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Going "Number 2" can be a lonely business. Just think how much easier it would be with Jonny's compassionate arms around you to reassure you through the difficult process. Whether you're on a diet of leafy greens or raw red meat, you can have a caring friend in the passenger seat while you're dropping the kids off at the pool. Just lower your pants, take a seat, and wrap the soothing plexiglass Jonny® arms around your quivering shoulders. You'll be able to suffer through any bathroom trauma no matter what was in that blue plate dinner casserole you wolfed down before really thinking about it. Order now and receive two dozen rolls of Jonny® Toilet Paper* to finish up the job. When it's time to wipe, just bunch that coarse tissue in Jonny's faux fist and he'll get you cleaned up and on your way without casting any judgment.
*May cause rectal bleeding. |
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The 2017 Hack Werker Calendar |
$5999 |
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Now you can relive your passion for the 2,000+ titles written by legendary novelist Hack Werker every month of the year! We won't take up your valuable time by making you actually read the things; each of his books takes at least 30 minutes to finish and you always have to get through at least one chapter of a thinly-veiled account of Werker's bitter relationship with his overbearing father. Instead, we get to the meat of the story by giving you the cover art of twelve of his most popular titles, which get to the point without having to sit through his badly-written, self-indulgent whining that would have you asleep by page 15 if it wasn't for the graphic depictions of violence and perverse sex that is a hallmark of Werker's work. Supplies are limited so order now!
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The Jonny® Heart Attack Playset |
$29999 |
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Click on the image to see a larger version
The Jonny® Perfect Christmas Gift Genie |
CALL TODAY! |
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