Have a Jonny Christmas with
JONNY® ACTING PRODUCTS
99-Seat Pulp Fiction by Hack Werker
Jonny made a big splash this year by rolling out a series of 99-seat theatre-inspired pulp fiction novels written by legendary action scribe and longtime Shakey's Pizza busboy Hack Werker. Each story took a minimum of two hours to write and is filled with the sex and violence that Werker likes to assume goes on in the world of intimate theatre as he is drinking himself into an alcohol-induced coma in the depressing studio apartment in Pacoima that he has lived in since 1974. You'll be transported to an outrageously exotic and dangerous world of fabulously wealthy producers of 99-seat theatre and the desperate actors and actresses they humiliate and take advantage of in the most degrading manner imaginable. These stories were adapted from a series of highly factual e-mails and tweets about the shocking working conditions in 99-seat theatres sent by Actors Equity Association in 2015. I mean, you can't make this stuff up!
You've tried every look you can think of but casting agents never seem call you in after your headshot has been submitted. Get ready for all that to change when you get 8"x10"s with Jonny in the background! While you're staring intently into the camera with an expression that says "Make my day," you'll get the added star quality of Jonny nonchalantly urinating on the wall behind you, sleeping it off in a dumpster in the distance, or drowning in a pool of his own vomit by your feet. With 10 great poses to choose from, you can pick the disgusting Jonny episode that best fits your stage and screen personae. And when the movers and shakers in Tinsel Town associate your look with Jonny's international celebrity, you'll have your pick of the best roles in Hollywood in no time!
The Jonny® Reel
Your acting reel needs Star Power to get noticed, and there's no bigger star than Jonny! Through the magic of green screen technology, our top ranked production team pulled together from interns from The Bachelorette can edit you into existing footage so it looks like you're sharing the screen with America's porkpie hat-wearing hero! Unfortunately, the only footage we have of Jonny is his appearances in homemade porno movies shot in Van Nuys garages in the late 1970s, so your scene will need to revolve around you having a pizza delivered to an orgy or a plumber arriving to fix a leaky pipe just as you and your college roommate are about to take a shower together. But even with those minor limitations, when casting directors see you playing out a scene with Jonny, you'll be signing your name to a million dollar contract!
The Jonny® Rolodex
It's not what you know, it's who you know that gets you ahead in this town. And Jonny knows everybody! Now you can too, because you can buy the personal phone numbers of all the A-Listers in Tinsel Town lifted right out of Jonny's smart phone. They're all here from Titanic director James Cameron to Parks & Recreation star Mara Marini to every major name in the porn industry. And we're not talking about numbers that will be answered by some pissant assistant who may or may not pass along your message about the glories of your screenplay or magnetic acting personality to the boss while he's in a meeting; these are the private numbers personally answered by Big Shots when they're on the toilet or in bed with their au pairs. Buy now because as soon as Hollywood finds out that Jonny is selling their confidential contact information, he'll be as dead in this town as Vince Vaughn's career.
Jonny® Stunt Doubles
Jonny is much too important to take the risk of doing his own stunts, and you are too! When it's time to shoot that climactic scene of your character jumping off the roof of a 55-story building or wrestling with a man-eating lion, you can be resting safely in your trailer while one of the certified soulless hobos we scrounged from a homeless shelter on Skid Row does the dirty work for you. Their diet of methamphetamines and leftovers from a dumpster behind a Seven-11 have made them lean and chisled, so when the audience sees your magnificent body taking deadly chances in the long shot, they'll be rooting for you even harder when you take your place for your close-up in the makeout scene that follows. And while you're sticking your tongue down Charlize Theron or Scarlett Johansson's throat in the safety of a soundstage in Los Angeles, the grips from the second unit in Tunisia will be scraping the splattered intestines from your double's cadaver off the Panaflex lens!
Jonny® Acting Classes*
PRICES ARE BASED ON YOUR PASSION FOR ACTING & BRA SIZE
Personally taught by Jonny himself! These indispensible classes will teach you things you need to know about acting that you'll never learn at the Tisch School of the Arts or The Actors Studio. How do you react when the top casting director in town starts to get grabby at an audition?
Do you have what it takes to be in an ultra-graphic nude sex scene? What do you do when the most loathsome producer in Hollywood offers you a star-making role in exchange for sex? Jonny will walk you through the ins-and-outs of using your body to make your acting dreams come true, even if it means taking part in the most degrading fetishes imaginable with a physically repellent and personally repugnant troglodyte. And when Harvey Fierstein has got you pinned against the wall as you decide whether or not to accept the conditions for taking a role that will make you a star, you can close your eyes and tell yourself "At least it's not Jonny!"
* Women have first crack at the open slots but if neccesary, we will accept pale, boyish males who are willing to wear a wig and tuck their junk between their thighs.
JONNY® STOCKING STUFFERS
The Jonny® Coloring Book
Your little guy or gal is as obsessed with Jonny as you are, and now you can get them a stocking stuffer you can both have hours of fun with! Every page depicts an exciting adventure from Jonny & Winston's jet-setting lifestyle that you can color any way you like! And the best part is that each book comes with a box of Jonny® Crayons that emit a mildly hallucinogenic gas when you press them to your nose to get a whiff of the irresistibly fruity aroma. You'll be coloring inside and outside the lines, convinced that you're creating a surrealist masterpiece that proves the existence of God when all you're really doing is scribbling Raw Sienna over a line drawing of Winston sleeping on the couch. And when you finally come back to consciousness in a pool of your own filth a few days later and discover that Child Services has taken the kids to a foster home, you can take solace in knowing that an addictive loser like you never should have had children in the first place.
Winston® Tootsie Roll® Dispenser
Your Christmas party is dying a slow, painful death, and there's only one thing that could save it: an appearance by Jonny's beloved pug Winston! You're too low on the social food chain for that to ever happen, but this quality resin reproduction is the next best thing. Your guests will enjoy the complete Winston Experience as they reach out to fondle the irresistable rolls of fat on his chubby back and he drops a deuce right in their open palm. But instead of a handful of disgusting fecal matter comprised of digested Alpo and vodka-laced vomit that Winston snacked on when Jonny couldn't make it to the toilet after an all-night drinking binge, your company will be treated to a buttful of delicious Tootsie Roll® candy. It will be the same visual experience as an actual visit from Winston but your guests will enjoy a sweet snack and your house won't stink of pug stool when the party is finally breaking up at dawn.
Jonny® Faux Butt
How many nights have you laid awake in a cold sweat, agonizing over the desire of having Jonny's chisled, athletic ass in bed next to you? Now it can be! This plexiglass derrière is an exact replica of Jonny's perfect butt, cast from a life mold created at Jonny® art studios. Spank it, penetrate it, lick it, or simply caress it gently and admit to it dreams that you've never had the courage to reveal to anyone else, you can finally live out your life-long fantasy of spending the night with Jonny's buns of steel. And for the complete Jonny experience, the deluxe model has a valve which releases a noxious odor that is guaranteed to induce vomiting, so it will be just like being in bed with the actual Jonny!
* Deluxe model $5,66999
Jonny® Dream Date
You've fantasized about spending a romantic evening with Jonny since you were a little girl but unless you're a supermodel or top-rated porn star, it could never happen...until now! Our staff of Jonny impersonators have been painstakingly trained how to look, act and smell just like Jonny does on a date. A Jonny lookalike will arrive to pick you up an hour late and already drunk out of his mind, and take you to the rankest eatery imaginable, insisting that you order the cheapest thing on the menu. He'll drone on about himself incessantly until the check arrives when he announces that he's forgotten his wallet and you'll have to pick up the bill. Then it's back to your place for a night of love-making that you'll be talking about to a therapist decades later, especially after getting a look at his junk which we've exposed to massive doses of raditation to get it to mutate into a replica of Jonny's legendary misshapen genitalia. He'll insist on spending the night because he's drunk out of his mind and can't afford another D.U.I. on his record, and you won't get him out the door until he's talked you into "lending" him whatever cash you have in your purse. By the time you've finally gotten rid of him and are swearing to yourself to only sleep with women from now on, you'll have had the complete Jonny Dating Experience!
The 2016 Enemies List Calendar
Now you can be as annoyed as Jonny every day of the year! This sturdy 12-month calendar depicts some of Jonny's most irritating enemies at their worst. Experience the unending hell that is Jonny's life without leaving the safety of your home or office. (First 10,000 orders will receive a free bottle of Tums.)