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The Jonny® Movie Reading Light
You lost the coin toss and have to sit through the latest Michael Bay blockbuster with him, but that doesn't mean you have to spend two hours bored out of your mind. While he's killing his brain cells watching shootouts and CGI explosions, you can be reading a trashy romance novel or John Grisham thriller. This phosphorescent 3-LED reading light wraps around your head to provide hands-free access to your favorite reading material and gives you plenty of luminosity while the Neanderthal Men around you sit in the dark. And no one near you is going to complain that your light is distracting him because the kind of guys who watch those movies can barely figure out how to start a fire, much less engage in sentient speech. So let him think he's calling the shots when he drags you to a mindless action movie; you'll get to enjoy some "alone time" with a good book while munching on guilt-free popcorn and Raisinets.
The Jonny® Booze Caddy
You wanted to spend your Saturday night watching the latest Michael Bay blockbuster, but she forced you into seeing a chick flick starring Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Aniston. This sturdy plastic helmet will let you survive the next two interminable hours by giving you easy access to two 750 ML bottles of Jack Daniel's Old No. 7 Brand Old-Time Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey (sold separately). And no fascist ticket taker is going to confiscate your fun when he sees Jonny's reassuring face gazing down from your forehead. By the time the end credits have rolled, your gal will be so frisky from seeing Sandy or Jenny come out on top that she'll be ready to do all the work in the bedroom when you get home while you lie there nearly dead from the sweet bliss of alcohol poisoning.
The Jonny® Companion
Tired of going to the movies by yourself because you can never find a man who wants to see a chick flick starring Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Aniston? This life-size fiberglass dummy will give you an arm to cling to while you're watching Sandy or Jenny choose between her relationship and her career on the silver screen. And if the show is sold out, just drag your Jonny® Companion to the box office and tell the manager you're with the real Jonny. If he's near-sighted enough, you'll be swept into the V.I.P. section free of charge. The sweetest part is that the Jonny® Companion isn't anatomically correct; so when you get back to your place, it won't have any other option but to cuddle and listen to you ramble on about the choices you'd make in the same situation or whether you have as good a figure as Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Aniston.
Jonny® Movie Nudity Goggles
Jonny loves going to chick flicks starring Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Aniston, because while his date is watching her movie role models act out scenes of feminine empowerment, the robustly evolved perversion centers of his brain are visualizing them buck naked. You can't hope to match Jonny's deviance, but these scientifically enhanced glasses developed at Jonny® Labs allow your cerebral cortex to mimic Jonny's twistedness and view every woman onscreen in her birthday suit. And there's no longer any need to fear a Kathy Bates hot tub scene from About Schmidt, because a microchip in the helmet which connects directly to your optic nerve processes the sight of any naked woman as having the body of a 19 year-old professional beach volleyball player with DD breasts. With these glasses on, a PG rating stands for Portruding Genitalia.
Think you have to cancel your movie plans again tonight because you can't find a sitter who Junior can stand? Think again! We've collected a network of unemployable alcoholics and convicted sex offenders and trained them to look, act and think just like Jonny! So when your little guy or gal launches into another hysterical fit when told that Mommy and Daddy are having a date night, watch those tears turn into smiles when they're told that they'll be spending the evening with their hero Jonny! Sure, they'll probably catch on after about an hour and a half but by then your cell phone will be safely shut off and you'll be too caught up in the latest Michael Bay blockbuster or chick flick starring Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Aniston to give a second thought about what's going on at home.
JONNY® STOCKING STUFFERS
Winston® Cardboard Cutout
Did you ever wonder why Jonny is universally regarded as one of the least photogenic people who ever lived yet you can't seem to visit an Internet site without seeing his picture? The reason is simple: Winston! Whenever a camera is present, Jonny makes certain to press himself against his adorable pug and and let the paparazzi snap photos which are now guaranteed to be plucked up by TMZ. Now your pictures can get that same cuteness bump with this durable cardboard cutout of the world's most beloved pug. Take it on vacations, to family weddings or to class reunions and it will be your pictures that will be deluged with "likes" on Facebook while everyone else's will be ignored between posts by the Dalai Lama and George Takei. Be careful of taking naked photos with the Winston cardboard cutout on your IPhone though. If you're hacked and you find your picture uploaded to some sleazy website that's only frequented by the lowliest scum of the earth, you don't want someone looking at it and saying "Who's that naked person with my pug?"
Jonny® Scratch n' Sniff Booklet
For the hard core Jonny fan! Sure you've seen the pictures and watched the videos of your hero's jet-setting lifestyle. You've even drank the same liquor and stroked away violently at a dildo molded from his tragically misshapen genitalia to taste through his mouth and feel through his hands. But have you ever wondered what it's like to smell Jonny? Well, now you can! The scientists at Jonny® Labs have broken down the molecular structure of every odor that comes out of Jonny through the course of a typical twenty-four hour period and laid them out in this handy booklet so you can spend an aromatic day with Jonny! You'll be with him on the toilet, sweating through an awkward confrontation with an ex-girlfriend, and violently purging the contents of his stomach after a night of binge drinking. Be warned: Jonny is pretty rank even after he's just stepped out of the shower so some of these pages will cause you to uncontrollably projectile vomit. But that's a small price to pay to feel like you're sharing in Jonny's glamorous world!
Jonny® Plastic Model Kit
You'll have hours and hours of fun putting together this detailed model of Jonny and his beloved pug Winston. But we know what you're thinking: Isn't the price a little steep for a plastic model? Not at all! Because each kit comes with a 16 oz. tube of Jonny® Airplane Glue that's guaranteed to get you as high as a kite within minutes of blocking the air vents and unscrewing the cap. And since you only need about a ounce and a half of glue to put the stupid model together, you'll have plenty left over to maintain your buzz long after the kit has been finished and collecting dust in the garage with all your other worthless crap. So go ahead and lock yourself in your man cave, shut the windows tight and be prepared to warp your mind into another dimension while she thinks that you're enjoying some harmless juvenile amusement!
Jonny® Cruise Line
STARTS AT $3,99999
What's the only thing better than a romantic cruise to some exotic port of call? If Jonny was onboard with you! Now he can be just by booking a seven day, six night dream excursion on which Jonny will be your ship mate. The memories will last a lifetime when Jonny drinks all the alcohol and then purges his stomach on the captain's table; when he harrasses all the women onboard to let him draw them naked like Leonardo DiCaptio in Titanic; or when you and your significant other try to slip away for some private time when you've reached your dazzling port destination, only to have him cling to you pathetically as your self-appointed BFF for the trip. Just remember that there are no refunds and if Jonny talks you into letting him crash on your couch when you arrive back at home, we are not liable for any stains to your upholstery.
The 2015 Enemies List Calendar
Now you can be as annoyed as Jonny every day of the year! This sturdy 12-month calendar depicts some of Jonny's most irritating enemies at their worst. Experience the unending hell that is Jonny's life without leaving the safety of your home or office. (First 10,000 orders will receive a complimentary bottle of Tums.)
Finally, the premium cable channel you've been waiting for! Nonstop, 24-hour programming completely dedicated to Jonny! Click on the titles below to get a glimpse of what you'll be getting by adding The Jonny® Channel to your already-outrageously expensive cable TV package. We guarantee that with just one look, you'll be hooked!
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WHILE YOUR KID's IN DIAPERS
Jonny® University is one of the top-ranked non-accredited for-profit schools in the world that is currently being investigated by no less than seventeen governments and numerous human rights organizations! This is the only school where you''l be able to focus your studies on academic subjects of personal interest to Jonny himself! And while our campus is located in Jonny's baliwick of Van Nuys, Caifornia, we're incorporated in The Cayman Islands so you can rest assured that your massive tuition and fees won't be eaten up by Uncle Sam. Check out our curriculum by clicking on the titles of some of our most popular classes below. If you're interested in finding out more, we'll send you a complete brochure and class schedule for 2015. Operators are standing by!