Have a Jonny Christmas with
JONNY® SCIENCE FICTION PRODUCTS
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Follow Jonny's hilarious and thought-provoking adventures every month as he desperately hits on the fabulous Mara Marini, puts up with annoying yentas who want to destroy him with nonstop mindless babbling, and outwits lonely shut-ins who only have comic books for company. Each issue is printed on quality newsprint that is guaranteed to coat your hands with black ink after one reading, giving you a reputation as a well-read intellectual that the chicks can't keep their hands off! But until they come around, you'll have plenty of practice for what to do with them by looking at lots of misogynistic drawings of gorgeous women with absurdly over-sized breasts and ab muscles that would require a daily 8-hour workout at the gym and regular steroid injections to achieve, programming your libido to only respond to females of an impossibly high physical standard so that you will never be able to meet a mate who can satisfy you sexually. Jonny® Comics can be purchased online or at any of the fine Jonny's Large Boy® restaurants located along historic Route 66 (Jonny's French Dip Hut® in New Mexico). A purchase of two or more issues gets you a free order of curly fries!
The Jonny® Action Figure
In a post-apocalyptic world, the only hopes for mankind are you and your bendable Jonny® action figure with Taekwondo grip! You'll have unforgettable adventures saving a grateful planet over and over by doing battle with Jonny's arch enemies* The Yammering Yenta®, The Cock Blocker® and The Hot Chick Who Makes Out With You On A First Date But Won't Go Any Further®, making you a hero in the eyes of mankind after you've spent the day getting yelled at by your boss because you kept forgetting to ask people if they wanted to super-size their order at your job in the drive-through. The problem is that you can only save the planet by taking Jonny out of his original packaging (thus destroying its value to the other action figure geeks you communicate with exclusively online and who represent your only social contact), so as a true collector you'll need to buy two: one to play with and one to collect dust in your closet until your mom throws it out one day with all your other junk.
* Each sold separately.
The Jonny® SciFi Video Game
Only you can help Jonny save the earth from an invading alien army while fulfilling your dream of living a life in which you never have contact with direct sunlight. This high resolution multi-player game lets you assist Jonny and the gang in saving the planet against Neptune's cruel overlord Espwa Vyèj and his battalion of evil intercosmic vampires when you might otherwise be wasting your time by masturbating or looking for a job. And as a special bonus, a user comment to an online review on sciencefiction.com says that the animated figure of Mara Marini gets way naked if you reach the 162nd Grand Master Level, which means that T'Pol from Star Trek Enterprise just might have some competition as your fantasy girlfriend!
The Jonny® D&D Love Doll*
Sick and tired of telling the other guys in your Dungeons & Dragons group that your Canadian girlfriend was once again unable to come down from Montreal for the weekend because another nude modeling gig came up? Now you can give up the ruse by taking along this realistic inflatable doll who won't make a peep about how you're wasting your life while you're dressing her up as a damsel in distress or Xena, the Warrior Princess to meet up with the gang in your Dungeon Master's mom's basement. The other guys will be seething with jealousy as your lady urges you on to do battle with an evil troll who is guarding a castle-full of gold and you return to her bearing the legendary Sword of 1000 Truths. And once you've courted the maiden following the classic rules of chivalry, she has three life-like orifices that you can use to create an heir to your noble name.
*Lubricant sold separately
The event for hardcore Jonny fand takes place at the Cayman Island Hilton March 19-24th! Dress as your favorite character from Jonny lore and hear panel discussions on upcoming Jonny-themed movies, TV shows, books and other projects! There will be over 500 vendors from 26 countries selling Jonny memorabilia at a 200% mark-up, so bring your credit card, autograph book and camera, because you might be lucky enough to get a picture with Jonny himself!*
*Jonny will not be in attendance at this event.
Mara Marini poses with fans dressed as ILoveYouMan, Winston and Jonny at JonnyCon
JONNY® STOCKING STUFFERS
Jonny Vineyards Exclusive Reserve
You've finally talked that gorgeous co-ed you see in the elevator sometimes into coming up to your apartment for a piece of holiday fruitcake before she goes home for Christmas break. But since you're old enough to be her grandfather and your social security check doesn't come for another two weeks, how can you come off as a sophisticated older man when you only have half a bottle of prune juice in the fridge? No problem! This affordable red wine comes in an elegant bottle with a fancy label and since she's never had anything stronger than Peppermint Schnapps before, she'll have no idea that you're serving crystal goblets of grape juice mixed with grain alcohol. Once you've gone through your shtick about fragrance and bouquet that you learned from watching your DVD of Sideways a hundred times, she'll be convinced that you're just the guy to get back at her father for spending her childhood on the gold course instead of coming to her piano recitals.
Jonny® Misshapen Genitalia Putty
Imagine the thrill on Junior's face when he runs downstairs on Christmas morning and looks under the tree to find a precise replica of Jonny's legendary penis, exactly like the one he's been seeing in his dreams for months. The kids will spend hours twisting, bending and pounding this undefined lump of matter into inconceivable shapes, just like Jonny does on a daily basis. Your son will be the most popular boy on the playground when he whips out his favorite toy and dares his friends to jerk it in any direction that they like. The gang may get so addicted that he can add to his pocket money by charging them a quarter for a tug! And if it's a gift for your daughter, she'll be able to get hands-on practice for the challenges that her teenage years will soon be bringing. The best part is that when they've mangled their once-treasured plaything into a limp hunk of garbage that's not of use to anyone any more, you'll be able to comfort them by pointing out that they're living out the same disappointment that Jonny does every hour of his life!
Malibu Jonny's® Dream House*
Let the other parents fill their daughters' heads with fantasies on Christmas morning about being a 6' 0" blonde who weighs 100 lbs, drives a bubblegum pink convertible, lives in a beach house despite having no discernable income, has closets full of designer dresses and a boyfriend who's clearly gay and with no genitalia. Your little angel will get a valuable lesson about the realities of adult dreams when she gets a look into the dark corners of Jonny's mind. She'll spend hours playing out Jonny's fantasies about being disciplined by two cruel dominatrices in a remote cabin in the woods, stopping only to drink bottles of vodka and occasionally rub his pug Winston's belly. And before you can read your sweetheart Goodnight Moon, she'll need to tuck her latex-clad dominants into bed for a night of wild lesbian sex while Malibu Jonny is consigned to his slave cage to watch. Years later when the neighbor kids have declared bankruptcy after maxxing out their credit cards buying expensive clothes and become alcoholics after finally divorcing the gay eunochs they married, your little girl will achieve financial security and have men literally falling at her feet by following a lucrative career in the sex trade insdustry.
*Malibu Jonny doll and dominatrix dolls sold separately
Jonny® Hugging Chair
How many times have you come home from a rough day at work to say "The only thing that could make everything right would be if Jonny was here to give me a big hug"? Now he can be! This quality leather settee folds around you to simulate the feeling of being securely held by a human being. And not just any human being. Jonny has personally curled up in each one to permeate it with his unique stank and the coarse cowhide upholstery has been carefully tanned to match the rough scratchy texture of Jonny's own skin. The leather has been taken from special cows bred in Saskatchewan whose hide is almost completely free of pores, making the chair unable to absorb warmth so that you'll feel just like you're in Jonny's clammy embrance. And you ladies will get a special treat because the coiled springs in the seat were made by our sweatshop in Thailand, meaning that they're apt to uncoil and penetrate whatever body part is currently compressing it, giving you an experience of siting in Jonny's lap and having his legendary genitalia make an unexpected appearance.
The 2014 Enemies List Calendar
Now you can be as annoyed as Jonny every day of the year! This sturdy 12-month calendar depicts some of Jonny's most irritating enemies at their worst. Experience the unending hell that is Jonny's life without leaving the safety of your home or office. (First 10,000 orders will receive a complimentary bottle of Tums.)
The Mara Marini Paper Doll
Now you can lay upon your canopy bed strewn with stuffed animals and discarded bon bon wrappers while living the glamorous life of Enemies List favorite Mara Marini! Be Mara winning the overdue Emmy for Best Guest Actress in a Comedy Series for Parks & Recreation; being stalked by Jonny; appearing in court to serve Jonny a restraining order; waking up in the middle of the night and shooting Jonny when she finds him hovering over her bed so he can watch her breathe while she sleeps; and modeling the cute outfit she wears at his funeral just to make sure that he's finally dead and not around to harrass her anymore. For ages 4 and up.
The Jonny® Perfect Lover Genie
Suicide attempts skyrocket at this time of year because most people either don't have someone who turns them on or the person they're with started out as Mr. or Miss "Right Now" and became the disappointing loser they let stick around because they figured they'd never meet anyone better and they didn't want to die alone. The Jonny® Perfect Lover genie has changed all that! Our unique algorithms are designed to scientically determine who is your perfect sexual match.
On Christmas Eve, you'll be having the best sex of your life while that zero you've been putting up with all these years is laying in bed still waiting for you to crawl on top and do all the work!
THESE BRILLIANT PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY USED THE JONNY PERFECT LOVER GENIE TO SELECT
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The Jonny® Animated Christmas Special
DECEMBER 15th ON
When a bitter old miser tries to sell the local orphanage to a weapons factory on Christmas Eve, it's up to Jonny, Mara, Winston and the gang to save the day! Here is a preview of the heartrending scene where Jonny and Mara show the old meany the error of his ways through the raw emotion of dance!