Have a Jonny Christmas with
JONNY® WEDDING PRODUCTS
The Jonny® Home Pregnancy Test
Why throw your life away by marrying some zero until you're sure that you have no other choice? The Jonny® Home Pregnancy Test not only gives you 100% accurate results,* but lets you fulfill your life-long fantasy of peeing on Jonny's face! A smiling Jonny is good news - you can keep on partying without worrying that your Puritanical father will throw you and your newborn infant out into the snow. A frowning Jonny is only good news for that pathetic little geek from the chess club who's been in love with you since junior high school, because you're about to tell him that he's marching you down the aisle after the phone number of that one-night stand who knocked you up turns out to belong to a kosher deli. A bonus feature of the Jonny® Home Pregnancy Test test is that it has jagged, razor-sharp edges; so even if your results do wind up positive, there's a good chance that you'll wind up accidentally aborting the kid while you're taking the test .
* Results are not 100% accurate. All we know for sure is that the lab rat died twenty minutes after we tried it on her.
The Jonny® Wedding Cake Topper
STARTS AT $15999*
Even your maid of honor won't be able to pretend that if you had half the chance, you'd ditch that loser you're marrying and walk down the aisle with Jonny instead. But since you're not a Laker Girl or top-rated porn star, there isn't a chance in hell of that happening. Now you can keep the fantasy going at your nuptials when you avert your gaze from the Neanderthal you just tied the knot with by looking at the top of your wedding cake and seeing your fantasy of a dream wedding with the one-and-only Jonny come to life. This quality, thermoplastic resin figurine will not only give your reception the touch of class it so desperately lacks; but because it is painted with highly toxic, lead-based varnish, you can take care of any second thoughts by giving your new hubby the hunk of cake that the base was buried in. We guarantee that within 48 hours, that "I do" you regretted saying seconds after it popped out of your mouth will pay off like a slot machine in the form of your late spouse's hefty life insurance policy.
*A likeness of the bride's face can be crafted on the figurine's body for an additional fee. For same-sex-marriages, a second groom can be placed at Jonny's side, or Jonny can be depicted in a bridal gown if you're into that. Call for details.
The Jonny® Wedding Ring
Who says a wedding ring can only be worn on the finger? The Jonny® Wedding Ring not only lets you thumb your nose (among other things) at tradition, but ensures that those promises of monogamy that your new husband just took at the altar will be followed through on whether he likes it or not. Crafted from the artists at the Jonny® Jewelry Exchange from genuine 14 carat gold, a diamond-encrusted likeness of Jonny himself is handsomely displayed on the band to not only provide you with a classic symbol of your endless love, but a kicky onlooker that will give you the sense of having an erotic threesome on your wedding night while staying true to your wedding vows.
* Dildo sold separately.
The Jonny® Pre-Nup
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We're not saying that yours will be one of the 50% of marriages that end in divorce, but why take the chance of finding out after your boobs are sagging to your knees or you have to suck your enormous belly in just to be sure that your penis is still there? Assure your financial future now while you're still sexually appealing enough to make your prospective spouse sign anything that you put in front of them. The sharks at Jonny® Legal Partners, LLC are all bitter divorcees whose husbands and wives left them with nothing after running off with a 20 year-old pool boy or au pair. They're itching to destroy the financial future of anyone stupid enough to leap off the marital cliff, and want to be sure that you benefit from their mistakes by writing a pre-nuptial agreement that's so iron-clad that the wealthy investment broker who's about to walk down the aisle with you today will be living in a cardboard box for so much at looking in a young hottie's direction tomorrow.
JONNY® STOCKING STUFFERS
Since she's spent an exhausting week of baking, wrapping presents and listening to your mother tell her what a disappointment she is, there are only two things erotically potent enough to relight her libidinous fires so you'll get any on Christmas morning: the unexplainably passion-inducing aphrodisiacal properties of milk chocolate, and Jonny. Now you can rely on both, by stuffing her stocking with this perfect replica of Jonny himself, made from the extract of creamy delicious Swiss cocao beans. Once she's filled her mouth with the sweet mandingo temptations of her forbidden gravenimage, she'll be powerless against any perversion you've chosen to celebrate the birth of our savior with. And the best part is that as soon as she's bitten the head off of Chocolate Jonny, she'll find that it's completely hollow; which means that your gal will be experiencing the exact amount of substance she'd be getting if she was with the real Jonny!
* May result in violent diarrhea and rectal cancer if swallowed.
Mr. Asspotato Head Action Playset
The favorite insult spewn by the desperate yentas who read Jonny's Enemies List is now a cherished childhood toy! Watch your kids' eyes light up on Christmas morning as they prepare to do battle between the harried, abused Mr. Asspotato Head and the evil giant-mouthed yenta with her incessantly flapping gums*. Mr. Asspotato Head is armed with a bottle of Grey Goose Vodka that makes him perpetually angrily drunk, old school porn, and a computer with which to write Enemies Lists that diminish the evil yenta's power and bring her to destruction. And the best part about Mr. Asspotato Head is that when the yenta's yammering gets too overwhelming, he can pull out his ears for a while to get some peace. The only element that's missing is your child's imagination to take Mr. Asspotato Head into countless irritating adventures!
* Batteries not included. Unfortunately, the yenta's yammering mouth never seems to run out of energy anyway.
Most celebrities shill cologne by slapping their name on some bargain-basement essence of swamp rat made in China and putting out a grainy black-and-white commercial of an obviously gay model pursuing them through the sewers of Paris. There's no artifice here, as this is actual sweat scraped from off Jonny's back, underarms and groin area after pick-up basketball games, all-night three-ways with eighteen year-old Olympic gymnasts, and Internal Revenue Service audits where Jonny tried to convince the government that his prostitute bills could be written off as medical expenses. The result is that when you slather as little as half a bottle on your disgustingly hairy carcass, women who've slapped multiple restraining orders on you will be rendered helpless by the exotic lure of Jonny stank, and you'll be getting more action than you'd see from a case of Wild Turkey laced with roofies.
Wait a minute! You can get a Snow White or Chewbacca Pez dispenser for $3.99, tops. Even Jonny isn't worth that kind of a mark-up; right? Wrong! Because only Jonny has the charisma and star quality to distract your parole officer or twelve-step sponsor from noticing that the innocent-looking Pez candy you're popping into your mouth is actually top-grade methamphetamines from the Jonny® Drug Lab in Colombia! That means that while you're listening to excruciating questions from your parole officer about some bar fight you got into with a skank who looked at you the wrong way, you can be tripping the light fantastic without Johnny Law being any the wiser. Just be careful that your P.O. doesn't pop a Pez while you're not looking, or you'll be back in stir while they're scraping her off the sidewalk after she tried to fly off your balcony.
The 2013 Enemies List Calendar
Now you can be as annoyed as Jonny every day of the year! This sturdy 12-month calendar depicts some of Jonny's most irritating enemies at their worst. Experience the unending hell that is Jonny's life without leaving the safety of your home or office. (First 10,000 orders will receive a complimentary bottle of Tums.)
ONLY AVAILABLE AT
(I know. We're not quite sure how that happened either.)
Sure you've got your complete collection of vintage Jonny Christmas Stories obtained on eBay or by exchanging them for sexual favors with grizzled Jonny collectors in dimly-lit tiki bars. But how else can you satisfy your longing for Jonny Yuletide classics? The limited-offer Jonny Bobblehead Collection® depicts your hero in scenes from such immortal stories as Jonny, the King & Gaseous Dragon, Jonny, Bethlehem Christmas, Jonny's Superhero Christmas, Jonny's Weapons of Mass Destruction Christmas, Jonny's Papal Christmas, Jonny's Animal Shelter Christmas, and even the much reviled Jonny's Prison Christmas*. They not only serve as attractive figurines for your home or office, but you can curl up with them in your bed at night, read aloud the disgusting prose from your favorite Jonny stories, and watch them shake their bulbous heads in regret as if wishing that they'd never started the idiotic thing in the first place. *Not available in Thailand.
Jonny, The King & The Gaseous Dragon
Jonny's Prison Christmas
Jonny's Bethlehem Christmas
Jonny's Superhero Christmas
Jonny's Weapons of Mass Destruction Christmas
Jonny's Papal Christmas
Jonny's Animal Shelter Christmas
The Mara Marini Collection
Call for price
Everyone is familiar with the beloved character Jonny M.® through the annual Jonny Christmas Story. But did you know that Jon Mullich has written literally hundreds of Jonny stories that the public has never seen? And they all feature Enemies List favorite and noted actress Mara Marini (Gothic Vampires from Hell, Slaughterhouse Phi: Death Sisters) in the leading female role! These unseen classics have been consigned to the super-secret porn vault that hold his Taiwanese snuff videos and a tampon once used by newscaster Connie Chung, and have never been read by anyone except for Jonny himself! But now thanks to a deal he made with the Internal Revenue Service and some subpoenas related to a restraining order Ms. Marini has filed against him, you can get a glimpse in the hitherto unknown dark regions of Jonny's mind. These stories can be purchased in hardcopy format, for your Kindle, or you can download audio versions personally read by Jonny (some parts are inaudible because of occasional heavy breathing, hysterical crying and unexplained moaning from the narrator). Operators are standing by!
The Strict Upstairs Maid and the Incompetent New Butler Who Must Be Punished
The Prostate Exam That Revealed More Than Benign Nodules
Cavity Search: First Day at the All Men's Prison
That Only Hires Hot Female Guards
The Lonely, Horny Housewife and
The Smokin' Hot Plumber Who Came To Fix a Pipe when Her Husband was on a Business Trip to San Jose
The Businessman Who Played Out Obscene Fetishes With Prostitutes When He Told His Wife He was on a Business Trip to San Jose
Mara's Jungle Fever
The Sexy College Co-Ed Who Will Do ANYTHING for a Passing Grade and the Bored, Tenured Professor Desperate for Any Distraction from the Omnipresent Tedium of His Failed Life
The Emoticon Angel Who Came Down from Heaven to Reward the Unappreciated Genius Who Makes Enemies Lists with a Weekend of Unspeakable Perversion
The Mind-Blowing Three-Way Between Jonny, Mara, and Whatever Actress/Singer/Complete Stranger I Glanced At in Passing That I'm Currently Fixated On
HUNDREDS MORE TITLES TO CHOOSE FROM!
The Jonny Birthday Genie
Suicide attempts skyrocket at this time of year for one simple reason: no one is sure what to get Jonny for his birthday on December 15th and they'd sooner take their own life than face the social disaster of getting him the wrong thing. Now the dilemma is gone with this handy online genie that will instruct you exactly what to get Jonny so that you'll have his priceless influence guarding your back in 2013. Just fill out the online form and a few days later, your name will be added to our database on this page. All you need to do is roll over the cursor on your picture to find out the perfect gift to suck up to Jonny with. Click here for the form.
THESE BRILLIANT PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY USED THE JONNY BIRTHDAY GENIE TO SELECT
THE PERFECT BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR JONNY! JUST ROLL YOUR CURSOR OVER
THEIR PICTURE TO SEE THE GIFT THE GENIE SELECTED FOR THEM TO GET FOR HIM.
WHY WAIT? FILL OUT THE FORM TODAY!